Who am I?

I have been realising a lot of things over the last year or so.  About how I function (and how I don’t function).  And where my masks start and where they end.  And I’ve realised I’ve hung my self identity on pegs for years now.  In my twenties it was hard working career woman (that gave me a breakdown).  Hard drinking fun times person.  That ended in detox.  And in the last five years, recovering alcoholic and new born hippy.

None of these things are me.  Turns out I don’t know who I am.  This is frankly terrifying.  I don’t have a current driving obsession, just my usual wanderings in the land of autism and the outdoors world.  Yoga.  Climbing.  I feel so lost and so aimless and without the badge of a label, I’m filled with constant self doubt.  What if I’m wrong?

I’ve read things about people taking years to come to terms with a diagnosis.  My life changed five years ago when I had a breakdown (another breakdown) and stopped drinking, moved counties, left my husband. I feel kind of ripped off, surely one complete life reassessment is sufficient, per life?

Who am I?  And more importantly, will I ever be properly functional, at peace?

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