I have to share this tiny insight, as I’ve been giving myself hysterics all day about it. Last week was a total fucking atrocious mess, I gave up on everything on Tuesday afternoon and basically threw myself face first into a bottle of vodka. As I am a recovering alcoholic, this is generally a bad idea. I mean, it’s a bad idea for most people, plus vodka isn’t all that nice, really. But for me, daft AF. Obv. Anyway, in the pained soul searching, ‘have to do better’, drag myself back up into reality that came later, I decided I needed to keep A Mood Diary. This is pretty standard CBT stuff, and I’ve had three lots of CBT (with varied success). I have concluded, see, that part of my issue with relapse is that my relapse is related to meltdown. I start to meltdown, I can’t cope, I go straight back to what helped me cope/black out/not think for most of my twenties. So this great idea, this mood diary, would help me identify when things were slipping, and thus, help me recognise incoming meltdown and prevent relapse. Genius. The logic is beautiful.
I’m autistic, I can’t recognise my moods. It takes ten minutes to work out a major emotion, the smaller ones I give up on. WHAT WAS I THINKING??
Anyway. Binned off that idea. I’m trying more to keep track of how I’m doing. So, basically, I’ll be keeping a mood diary that goes, ‘bit tired’. Probably most days with occasional ‘very tired’ coming after ‘totally creatively exploding with febrile brilliance’.
Wish me luck.