I have been writing a blog in my head for about a year now. To be fair, this isn’t unusual behaviour, I am quite often writing something in my head. Or fizzing away with some kind of thinking, over thinking, analysing, strategesing planning *thing*. Or narrating my day in the style of the last thing I happened to have read. It’s a busy place, in my head.
This blog thing, though. I kept coming back to it, then circling a little away. I was put off by the fact it might not be polished or finessed. Or that others have more experience and knowledge on the subject than I. Or that it should be more than the sum of its parts and form some kind of glorious, cohesive, sense making whole.
I am not (nor is anyone, I suspect) a glorious, cohesive, sense making whole.
A year ago I read an article by the wonderful Sarah Hendrickx in Standard Issue which struck several chords with me. Enough chords to set me on a course of voracious reading which then led me to a self diagnosis of autism.
Since then I have learned a lot. About myself, about other women with autism. About executive function and eye contact. About anxiety and alexithymia. I also learned I’m not really sure how to say alexithymia.
So, why am I writing? In part, because I’ve read some things about how hard it is to get a diagnosis. And I want to start collecting and collating my thoughts before I approach that. And in part, because I have taken and gained so much from other people’s blogs and writings, I want to add to the pool, add to the resource. Only this morning, I read something by Laura James, which made me think ‘yes! that!’ – here –
“Others with autism would understand how…if I know I have a train to catch at noon, the hours between getting up and leaving for the station are rendered redundant.”
It encapsulates an element of my autism – my different functioning – I have struggled with for years. So, if by just hammering things out, talking to myself, talking through what I’ve discovered, one other person reads and thinks ‘yes, me too’, that would be a good thing. A helpful thing.
One other thing. I’m a recovering alcoholic. Viewing alcoholism through the prism of autism has helped me to some difficult but liberating conclusions. Which hopefully, if I keep up these blog entries, might help others, might help perhaps alcohol and drugs workers.
ANYWAY. That’s me. And why, in a few paragraphs. Oh and Triple AAA? Autism, alcoholism, alexithymia. And I’m ginger. My nickname used to be Duracell at school. 🙂